Material World

As a 5'11" guy, spending time in Costco yesterday made me realize what life must be like everyday for that family in Little People, Big World on TLC.

The place is ginormous. A car chase in there would surely go unnoticed. You could probably toss a banana peel on the floor and it would dry up before anyone actually wiped out on it. Such a waste.

The Costco shopping carts are huge, too. 2 or 3 would be enough to carry away all the "seaweed" inventory from Lululemon in Kitsilano. (I'm thinking it'll be deeply discounted any time now.)

I can't even remember the last time I went to Costco - suffice to say it's been a long time. So, hanging out there for a couple hours with a couple friends was a little crazy for me simply because it's quite shocking to be among such excess.

Don't get me wrong, I completely understand the point of Costco - I just can't quite comprehend how someone with a shopping addiction could ever withdraw when stores like this exist.

For me, one of the best things about shopping there is all the free samples available. It is that which kicked off my addiction to Stacy's pita chips with hummus. It is also that which caused me learn just how incredibly cheap generic Benadryl is in the Costco pharmacy - I needed it immediately after trying a free sample which contained almond paste... to which I'm highly allergic. Live and learn.

Allow me to share with you some items of excess available there:

As Danny wondered aloud when we walked past those cordless phones, "do you really need 4 handsets?" Good question, I thought. Thimble-sized condos in Vancouver have no space for that. Of course, if you choose to downsize your total number of handsets, you'll also need to downsize your family somehow. Perhaps the Family Pro-Fryer from T-fal can help:

I suppose that fryer could also be used in food preparation.

Speaking of which, that's definitely one great thing about Costco - the food. You can get pretty much anything your starving little heart desires... in great, vast quantities. But make sure what you're buying is big enough for your appetite. We decided against the 1.4 Litre bottle of caesar salad dressing because that's clearly not big enough for the salad we had in mind for ourselves:

Neither was the 5 Litre bottle of olive oil...

If all this has you getting peckish, that's exactly where the free samples come in. We tried Belgian chocolate cookies which needed to be washed down with delicious, organic pomegranate and blueberry juice...

After you've stocked up on gigantic portions and filled up on free samples, the next thing you have to look forward to is waiting in line for an elevator down to the parking lot with all the other excess-junkies...

Saving the best for last, I'd like you to have a look at my final photo today - my shopping trip to Costco revealed to me that downtown Vancouver is home to the Great Wall of Spam:

I plan to email that picture to as many people I don't actually know as possible.

Oh, and if you want a really good laugh... go visit the Spam homepage.

My Life is a Cabaret

Aside from going to Yuk Yuk's about once a decade, I've rarely been lucky enough to see any really good, professional, live comedy - at least not any big name comedians. In a perfectly funny world, I'd get to see Chris Rock and Lisa Lampanelli on a double-bill down at the neighbourhood pub. Since that's about as likely as Celine Dion cutting her son's creepy hair, I had to settle for seeing one of my other favourite comedians, Kathy Griffin, on a solo-bill last Friday night at River Rock Casino.

But really, I wasn't settling at all. No siree. I had very firm suspicions that I would be "this close" to wetting my pants from laughter - turns out I was right. (Thanks, Depends.)

Kathy Griffin's show at River Rock was a little bit of brazilliant. First of all, she's one of the only honest entertainers out there today. In a star-packed universe of no-talent-famous-for-nothing's, Griffin is one of the rawest, funniest performers around today. Perhaps that explains why she won an Emmy award recently for her reality series, My Life on the D-List.

Griffin's hilarious schtick offers a behind-the-scenes look at the quirks and follies of other celebrities. Her act is basically the telling of her own encounters with other famous people. And she holds nothing back. Zip, zero, zilch. Nobody in Kathy Griffin's world is safe from her razor sharp observations and wit. If starlets and celebutantes were on an open plain in Africa, Kathy Griffin would be the cheetah/hyena/vulture rolled into one starving and lightning-quick predator.

She knows she's going straight to hell - she says so. In fact, Kathy Griffin says that her handbasket is decorated and ready to go... and she's looking forward to seeing some familiar faces upon arrival.

The show opened with her inflammatory take on the recent, copious media coverage of Marie Osmond who fainted on Dancing with the Stars. Kathy Griffin doesn't buy it for a second - she thinks the whole thing was faked for votes. Not exactly the behaviour you'd expect from a latter-day saint.

Griffin also told a side-splitter about Paris Hilton with whom she appeared on an award show. Hilton was being awarded for her well-known phrase "that's hot". Griffin hilariously impersonated Paris Hilton who allegedly had no clue how to exit the stage after receiving her award. With her palms facing up, she catwalked in circles unable to figure out how to get off the stage. Rolling in the aisles ensued.

She also told a story about Dr. Phil who apparently was sort of hitting on Jane Fonda during the taping of Larry King Live. Kathy Griffin says Dr. Phil is a real right-wing conservative. Well, if you know "Hanoi Jane" then you know she wouldn't have been too thrilled that someone of his alleged political stripes was actually touching her. So Jane Fonda told Dr. Phil that she had to go and return a phone call to Hugo Chavez.

And that's not all. Martha Stewart is said to employ three assistants who are forced to wear uniforms - khaki's, a salmon-colored shirt and a kerchief.

I'm left to assume at least one of those employees surely daydreams of tying said kerchief around the hoof of one of Martha's prize Friesians and the other end around Martha's neck.

Near the end of the show, Kathy Griffin told us in the audience that the previous night she had finally met one of her icons here in Vancouver - she was talking about Liza Minnelli. Right then, a spotlight pointed into the audience revealing who else? Liza herself! Right there, about half a dozen rows in front of ours, watching the show along with the rest of us. Liza stood up and waved at everyone. Surprisingly, she wasn't in the company of a man wearing more makeup than she.

After the show, Liza walked right past our seats. She still has that short, black, sort-of spiky hair and way too much eyeliner and mascara. She appears quite aged in person. Unfortunately, she stumbled on the top stair. I wondered if that was due to her recent hip replacement surgery (which she had) or to vodka (which she is known to have had… alot).

I got a picture of the back of her , but due to the slow shutter speed of my camera phone and her being in motion, it's a tad blurry:

I also got a picture inside the theatre as Kathy Griffin (pictured on stage) was announcing to everyone that Liza was there. If you look down from where Kathy is standing, you can see Liza in her seat under the spotlight...

Let's Face It

So far, I've managed to resist the hype about Facebook. I just really don't see the point of it. I had my fill of counting friends when I was in high school. Plus, I also don't get thrilled about the idea of getting caught up in the trendy side of the big 'ol Interweb. Last year it was My Space, this year it's Facebook and next year, who knows? My Space Book, perhaps?

But, I'll admit there are 3 things about Facebook that I can appreciate:

1. The guy who created it has achieved remarkable business success since it is now valued at about $15 billion. You could buy a lot of Facebook friends with that kind of cash.

2. It seems like a good way to see photos (although I prefer Google's Picasa site)

3. It allows groups of people to come together out here in Real World, instead of just online. Remember that massive Facebook-inspired water gun fight last summer in Stanley Park? (It got 6 o'clock news coverage - that's how I knew about it)

With that final point of likeability about Facebook in mind, I wanted to give you a link to a new group on Facebook which will connect you to one of coolest things in Vancouver coming up in the new year… Dine Out Vancouver!

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=18974992448

Dine Out Vancouver is the best reason to go out for dinner in this town. And let there be no confusion, this town is hands-down one of the best towns for dining out and experiencing absolutely outstanding culinary environments.

Put a reminder in your calendar for right after the new year to visit this site because that's when you'll be able to view the list of Dine Out Vancouver participating restaurants. Last year there was about 150 of 'em so be sure to check it out and make reservations EARLY to avoid disappointment.

As always, you'll be able to try out prix-fixe menus for $15, $25 and $35. In the meantime, check out that Facebook group to whet your appetite.

Bean Town

Because I have no life, I went on the Starbucks website and discovered that Vancouver is home to 84 Starbucks locations. That's about one for every 7100 Vancouverites. When you put it that way, it doesn't seem quite as disturbing as it does when you actually stand at the corner of Robson & Thurlow and consider the replicative nature of this giant in the world of coffee. It's like a caffeine superbug.

But it's not just Starbucks. It's also zillions of other coffee purveyors that have set up shop here. Their ubiquity in Vancouver likens this city's relationship with coffee to Michael Jackson's face and the colour white - home sweet home.

In an effort to swing a dead cat without hitting Starbucks, I've discovered Coal Harbour Coffee Co. This great little spot in Canada Place overlooks what else, Coal Harbour. So the next time you feel the need to see an Imax film or to feel utterly dwarfed by a cruise ship, drop in for a coffee and maybe a chat with Gordo, one of Vancouver's friendliest baristas.

At Coal Harbour Coffee Co., there's none of that "5-or-6-bucks-for-a-coffee" pricing. The prices are so low and reasonable that you'd swear you were in a Starbucks back in 1990.

You can get your snack on, too. Sandwiches and stuff like that. Most of the food is prepared in the oft-touted kitchen of the adjacent Vancouver Convention & Exhibition Centre. The danishes under the glass showcase, however, are imported from France. Delicieuse!

If you're like me, you suspect that a creamsicle is what heaven actually tastes like. Try it for yourself with their chilled beverage menu that offers the creamsicle.

Then there's the view. Luckily, Coal Harbour Coffee Co. is situated in Canada Place so that the newly-expanded convention centre does not obstruct the view of beautiful Coal Harbour, the North Shore mountains and Stanley Park. Nothing is more relaxing than stopping in the middle of the day to just breathe, relax and take it all in.

If Juan Valdez really existed, he and his mule wouldn't have to trot too far in Vancouver for a cuppa joe. So if you see a poncho-wearing Colombian near Coal Harbour, take it as a good sign.

You Are What You Read

I recently finished reading the book Skinny Bitch. Maybe you've seen it among the New Releases at the bookstore? It's an often hilarious comment on eating habits in western culture. Unvarnished truths, sarcasm and graphic imagery are used by the two authors who would like the reader to understand and accept their theory on why our society faces a problem with obesity and what we can change in our diet to solve that problem.

The book isn't about "going on a diet", it's about "changing" your diet - which really means changing your lifestyle. Skinny Bitch contains one particular sentence which resonated with me: "Actually think about what you're eating." Say it to yourself, out loud - maybe it'll resonate with you, too.

Anyway, I'm not sure I can commit to all the changes recommended in Skinny Bitch, but it definitely got me thinking about the questions raised, like:

Why are humans the only species on earth to drink the milk of another species?
Sure, our babies are breast fed to provide essential nourishment during a critical stage of development early in life, but the babies are weaned once that stage is complete. So, why do humans continue to drink milk which is biologically intended to fatten us up? Furthermore, why do we drink the milk from another species which can weigh up to 2,000 pounds on average?

Also, when it comes to sugar and each gram of it in that can of pop in your hand, divide the number of grams by 4 and you'll get the number of teaspoons of sugar added to it. For example, the can of Pepsi I drank last weekend contained 41 grams of sugar - that's 10 teaspoons of sugar. 10 teaspoons! Do I put TEN teaspoons of sugar into my coffee each morning? Never. Does my body need it in anything else I drink? Not likely.

So these are the kinds of ideas explored in Skinny Bitch. The authors state the title of book is simply intended to get attention and sell books, and it's not actually their intention to encourage people to be "skinny". Rather, to educate on diet as a way of achieving the healthiest weight for any body type.

The reason I wanted to let you know about this is because I just read that Book Warehouse, a Vancouver chain of discount bookstores, has become a bit more cool than it was already. That's because you can now walk into any of their 7 locations in Vancouver and buy your book at U.S. prices or less!

Example? The cover price for Skinny Bitch in Canada is $17, but in the US it's $13.95. Sweet! Hopefully other retailers follow suit.

I'll send a Thank You card to Book Warehouse as soon as greeting cards no longer sell for two different prices either.

Skid Crock

I arose this morning with a difficult question in mind: What is scarier than Halloween night on Granville street in Vancouver? All I had to do to get the answer was flip through this week's Georgia Straight and learn that tomorrow night's Kid Rock show at the Commodore is Sold-Out. Not much could be more frightening than that.

That means about 1,000 Vancouverites spent $58 per ticket (plus, "convenience" charges) for this show. Heaven forbid a toll is placed on a bridge somewhere in this town, but sixty bucks for Kid Rock? Sure! "Do you take VISA?"

Like a Record, Baby

The best thing about Main Street is everything. And by everything, I mean all of it. From the old, gorgeous Goh Ballet building to Slickety Jim's Chat 'n Chew, from The Main for live music to the windows at Hillcrest Plumbing displaying creatively designed tubs and toilets. But at the top of the Main street heap, I've placed Neptoon Records.

This store has more vinyl than the bench seats in the Oldsmobile station wagon where I spent a good portion of my formative years.

(That's not actually it, but I just had to post this photo out of pure disbelief that someone made a car like that - yes, it's an AMC Pacer Limo!)

Back to Neptoon Records, when you're looking for one of Vancouver's widest selection of vinyl records, it's right there with tons of new (yes, NEW) records and tons of old ones as well. There's also CD's, posters, postcards, sheet music, gig posters and some DVD's. As I flipped through the bins, here's a random assortment of some of the records I found:

Remember Dead or Alive? One of their biggest hits, You Spin Me Round (Like a Record), was from this album - that song dominated dance floors and aerobics classes one summer long ago. And who could forget the video showing singer, Pete Burns, wearing an eye patch and kimono? Definite inspiration for my next Halloween costume.

Ok, here's another one - a record from Michael Damian. He played fictional rock star Danny Romalotti on The Young and The Restless. This record must have been life imitating art, but he was a much bigger star in the melodramatic world of Y&R than he was out here in Real Land. Although, with that head of hair I simply cannot fathom why his singing voice didn't
find an audience.

When I found the record in the next photo, it kind of stole my heart and broke it - all at the same time. It's called "Whistle While You Work", but this ain't no Disney tune. Check out what is printed above the title, in smaller letters…

…it reads "Music With a Lilt to Lighten Her House Work".
For shame! They made this record way-back-when to brainwash women into believing that not wearing shoes and being with child should be all that is needed to feel fulfilled. "That's right, ladies - just put on this record and get to the dusting and vacuuming before any desire for education or success gets in the way of your pre-determined destiny to be the best homemaker on the block."

There was one other thing which made me think I was hallucinating.
In a corner, piled high on a crate, I actually saw one of popular music's most awesome and short-lived formats… the 8-track tape!

For music, it was to cassettes what the beta was to VHS in the dog-eat-dog world of VCR's - it just didn't fly. Not for very long, at least.

While we're on the topic of abandoned music formats, does anyone besides me remember the cassingle?

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